Missing Her

Today marks 3 months since Emily’s birth. She has been on our minds and hearts all day; really this is not a whole lot different from any other day. We have noticed with the holidays upon us that the hurt is only heightened and the void we feel is only deepened. We don’t say this feeling sorry for ourselves, but what is it about silent nights around a softly lit Christmas tree that makes us miss Emily all the more? As we celebrate the birth of Christ this coming month we know it will be all the more important to focus on the Child God provided as opposed to the daughter He chose to take away.

As an aside it has been an encouragement to meet E & A and T & L recently. One of these couples recently lost a daughter to anencephaly and the other is expecting a son with the same condition. With anencephaly being such a rare situation it is surely the hand of the Lord that has brought them into our lives. They have been a blessing to us and we admire their strength in the midst of heartache. 

The Process of Grief

I've heard it said that grief comes uninvited and is never in a hurry to leave. This has certainly been true in our lives. As the weeks move by since our daughter's death we still, as much as ever, miss our little Emily. 

Recently I (Ryan) have been a little surprised to find myself really tired (bedtime at 8 pm sounds great), emotional, and unfocused. I don't sleep all that well and often rehearse in my mind any memory I have of our experience with Emily so I can somehow ensure myself I won't forget. In a weird way I am experiencing some of my deepest moments of sadness now, months after Emily's passing. 

I don't think my experience is unique, especially from other men who have endured a tragedy. As men attempt to love and lead their loved ones through a difficult experience their own opportunity to grieve is often delayed. For me in the months prior to Emily's birth and the months after her death I ran on adrenaline and I ran cover for my family. And now... well, I'm not able to run anymore. I feel rather stuck. And so I'm going to be still and grieve and pursue my God as the One who encourages hearts, heals souls, and holds the broken together. I would appreciate your prayers.

How Great is Our God!

On another note... we recently learned that my (Ryan) sister, Cortleigh, and her husband, Jim, who are expecting their first child, received news late in the pregnancy that their little girl, Clara Grace, is in rather serious danger. Cortleigh is now living at the hospital under continual care and testing. Please pray for strength for this dear family and healing for little Clara.